You come up to scratch in a beach towel,
You come up to scratch in a bar,
You look pretty good when you're smiling,
You show all your gums when you laugh,
There's so much to ire about you,
I like you as a friend or a pet,
But each time that you open your mouth,
It spoils the whole effect.

Please stop talking, you're scaring the people away, hey-hey-hey,
Please stop talking, you've nothing of interest to say, hey-hey-hey.

There's so much to ire about you,
I like you as a friend or a pet,
But each time that you open your mouth,
It spoils the whole effect.

Please stop talking, your jaw must be starting to ache, hey-hey-hey,
Please stop talking, you've shown yourself up as a fake, hey-hey-hey,
Please stop talking, you're peeling the paint off the walls, hey-hey-hey,
Please stop talking, all that comes out is pure balls, hey-hey-hey,
Please stop talking, that nails-down-a-blackboard voice, hey-hey-hey,
Please stop talking, please, while you still have a choice.

There's so much to ire about you,
I like you as a friend or a pet,
But each time that you open your mouth,
It spoils the whole effect.